Shadows, Silence and Self

A lone candle, nearly gone, sat flickering silently on the table. It was the only light in the room. The shadows danced on the wall from its light. Nothing moved but the shadows; nothing stirred but the flame. The silence was intense. Nothing in the room made a sound. In an hour, maybe two, the candle would burn out and then there would be nothing but the darkness and even the shadows would rest until dawn.

I sat in the corner on my zubaton, my breath slow and steady, my focus on the dancing flame of the candle. I was still new at this and my attention wondered from time to time; from the flame to the shadows and back to my breadth; back to nothing. In my deepest state I could hear my heart beat; I could feel my blood flowing through my veins. As I focused on the moment, and what I was experiencing; I could feel the sweat rolling down my cheek, I could feel my robe sticking to my skin.

As a novice, this is the perfect time to meditate; before dawn, when the entire city was asleep. This is when there are fewer potential distractions; fewer cars on the road, nobody in the house is awake and even the cats are asleep, perfect stillness. I know that it will take years, but I have had moments of pure bliss. Fleeting moments of connection, with what I am still not entirely clear, my deepest self, the universal source – perhaps they are the same. I know what meditation has done for me. It has taught me how to control my “Self”. After all these long years I am now learning to master my emotions so that they no longer master me.

During the day, I can return to this quiet place; quickly, briefly. It is rather like shorting out a capacitor – POP – then it’s done, and I am no longer over whelmed and can focus on the issue at hand. The only energy I let carry me away is positive, happy, ambitious. I know that sometimes I look foolish, but that is ok. I am foolish when I am happy.

The negative energy is still there, but it is no longer caged, controlled or feared. It has its place and its use. I am a protector, and it is my gift.